Die Real Housewives van Pretoria show which is set to air on kykNet on DStv this coming October, is proof that even in South Africa we do not fully understand the meaning of the word “real”.

I have seen one or two episodes of the US shows, Real this of that and the likes. As with anything based in reality it looks fake, scripted and overly dramatic. Think Keeping up with the Kardashians, but now you have individuals from different families trying to act all relevant. I am using the word act because I simply cannot imagine this is how people are in the actual world.

My Real Housewives Porno idea

When I was younger and VHS was still a thing, I wanted to produce my own porn movie and make millions from it.

The title of the production would have been, “Boere vroue doing it“. I wanted to use a provocative image of sexy women on the VHS cover posing with household items in a South African setting and promote it to the European market. At the time I was thinking R99 was a good price per unit for my movie.

The European porn connoisseur would have received his niche porn VHS via the mail and the anticipation would start the moment he held it in his hand. Palms sweaty as he started to work out in his mind how he could get a private hour to himself to watch the girl on girl action all the way from the south of Africa.

Finally something different and more exciting than the normal Western porn that is being shoved down his throat up to that point in time.

He would get home, pop it into his VCR and the first scene would begin with two women in a kitchen in Pretoria prepping to bake rusks…

Oh my, so hot!!!

European Porn Connoisseur

However… he would continue to see how they bake rusks for the next hour until the end of the tape. WTF Dude!!!

You see, I never said the Boere vroue would be doing it, meaning sex. There would have been no girl on girl action or cleaning in the nude. Doing it could be interpreted as basically any physical action and I chose baking rusks.

For Vol 2 I was thinking of having them sweeping the house, but I don’t think it would have worked a second time around. By the time the European porn connoisseur stripped his moer I would have been long gone with my millions.

Clearly I never did that… sad, I know.

The Pretoria bunch

kykNet released the promotional videos for the ladies who will be on the show. So yes, obviously I am going to check it out and have an opinion about it. Strap in fans, here we go:

#1 Kiki la Coco

Well my first impression is that she has a stripper name… and that is my only impression. Let’s move on.

#2 Marie Bosman

Marie is a pastor with not one, but two doctorates. Oh this is getting interesting…

#3 Rhona Erasmus

I am not sure what Rhona is doing in a show called Die Real Housewives van Pretoria, since she stays in Midstream Estate.

Let me explain. Midstream is in Centurion. Centurion is not part of Pretoria. We might both stay in the same municipality called Tshwane, but Centurion people and Pretoria people know the deal.

It is an unspoken deal where we only need one another during elections. Aside from that we are separate breeds of people. Anyway…

#4 Talana Vuren-Kuhn

According to Talana she might look like a “poppie”, but she is not afraid of power tools… I just can’t. We clearly have different opinions of how the word “poppie” gets assigned.

For those who don’t know. Being called a “poppie” is not a good thing. It means you are useless. I think her role is slated to be the dumb one in the group.

#5 Mel Viljoen

I like her. Her intro was straight talk and no bull. And she laughed at her own stupid joke towards the end.

Dear kykNet, just use her for the whole show. She at least seems authentic.

#6 Renske Lammerding

Renske is known for her husband’s wealth… Fucking seriously? I kinda feel bad for her is that is what she is known for. Is it just bad copywriting or is this really her claim to fame?

No it is not, she actually has a Bachelor of Pharmacy from the North-West University but the production team introduces her as a gold digger.

Final thoughts

I am expecting this show to be so over produced and filled with fake storylines that it would not really help the actual social profile of any of these ladies. Except for Mel who doesn’t really care about having friends. Mel will be ok.

I remember watching a show last year called Ram vir ‘n Rus. It was an interesting concept. A few Russian women came to SA and met four Boertjies with the hope of marriage. Fun show to watch as the Russians spoke with broken english and the Boertjies with worse english. Bloody entertaining.

At a New Years party the same year I met one of the Boertjies in the bathroom at the urinal and we start chatting about the show. Long story short: what you see in TV is not what really went down. It was a crazy experience where the Russians were basically just here because they believed they would become Reality TV stars.

Die Real Housewives van Pretoria is going to be the same. I can promise you that.

But is this the kak we have to be exposed to? Is THIS really entertaining? Is THIS real? No and no. This is perception and so far from reality that you are basically being lied to. I think the only true reality show we have ever had in South Africa was the very first Big Brother SA that was on Mnet.

Back then Reality TV was so new and fresh they actually didn’t know what to show us other than reality. With the cameras on the contestants 24 hours it was unscripted and unpredictable. It was actually entertaining.

Some people will find this show entertaining, but don’t say it is REAL. And don’t say Centurion is part of Pretoria.