Non-binary and pronouns have always baffled me ever since my kids tried to explain it to me. I am traditional in the sense that you get boys and girls.

I understand cases where you get someone who had a sex change and instead of referring to themselves as a man they now identify as a woman, and vice versa. I have a nephew who did that and although I only heard about it via a family member I still get that. As we haven’t seen each other in over 35 years I still know him as a male, but would like to believe that if we had a relationship I would refer to him in the female sense when it comes to language.

Non-binary identification

Which brings me to my latest WTF Dude moment when it comes to Win Butler, of Arcade Fire, and the recent sexual misconduct allegations against him.

I first read about it on News24 and followed the link to the original PitchFork article. Now I am not here to debate whether or not he is guilty or not, or anything relating to the allegations. I am here to question language and how non-binary identification fucks with the mind.

You see, the quoted section of the article is what caused me to ask, WTF?

A fourth person, who is gender-fluid and uses they/them pronouns, claims that Butler sexually assaulted them twice in 2015, when they were 21 and he was 34: Once while they were riding together in a car, and again after he allegedly showed up at their apartment despite text messages admonishing him not to come.

Pitchfork

“their” apartment…

So while we are dealing with the accusation by a single person/entity using the pronouns they/them, you start reading the section from the account of a single person but then get the mind fuck when the preferred pronouns are used.

“Their apartment” suggests to me that they stayed and lived together. That is what it reads as.

Where that does not green light sexual misconduct or excuse it, it does give a different dynamic to the allegation. One that needs to be reset once you realise it was not the case and that in the singular, he was not welcome in the space as it was not his place of residence.

I mean for fuck sakes I just wanted to read two paragraphs and that turned into an episode of Star Trek and time travel.

Let’s be honest for a moment

When reading that section it would appear that multiple people were involved. Or multiple personalities if you lean towards that belief system.

Now I am sitting here wondering that if a legal case proceeds against Win Butler, is he being accused by a single person or plural based on the preferred pronoun by the individual?

Take that a step further and if the former applies and it is indeed considered plural, then if it becomes a case where he is found guilty, is it on one or two counts of sexual misconduct? Not only does the they/them pronoun fuck up the fluid reading of an article, but if it were to be literally interpreted it would fuck up more than just a legal system. It would basically double the damage done.

I was reading this announcement via a Facebook post of Business Insider that Demi Lovato no longer identifies as they/them and will now again adopt the pronouns of she/her. The best response on the posting was a comment stating that it is a better choice for her than accepting has/been.

But that is the current landscape we find ourselves in I guess. If you have lost the appeal of the fans and become irrelevant you need to say something to spark interest again in you/I/me. (Not sure if that last one worked. I tried)

In the 90’s and early 2000’s the way to get noticed was to come out as gay. Now non-binary is the new way to grab the attention of the world and be special. Does it really matter? Is your self-worth so low that your adopted pronoun will make you feel significant? If it does, you have bigger issues to deal with first.

The toaster and its demand for respect

My kid’s one friend identified as a toaster… I perceived her as nuts. I also had a slight suspicion as to why she was not that popular and had few friends. Bless my kid for entertaining it.

I have noticed that when it comes to the topic of sexuality and deviating from the traditional norms, the people adopting alternative lifestyles beyond that of heterosexual have one thing in common. The demand of respect of their choice.

In my view it goes both ways. Respect is earned and not akin to a participation trophy.

But from what I have seen in the world the pronoun thing is mostly pushed across aggressively. Almost like it was practised and needs to comply with a provided manual:

  1. Push out chest
  2. Pull back shoulders
  3. Lift head to allow for more air to flow over vocal chords
  4. Look through the target
  5. Boldly exclaim: I identify as a toaster and use the pronouns fucking/nuts!

Respect goes both ways. If I need to accept your preference then have the decency to accept my preference to address you in the singular. If we don’t see eye to eye on the matter then we can at least have the respect for one another to agree we don’t gel and move on. It is really as simple as that.

Final thought

Win Butler… You are either accused of sexual misconduct by 4 people, or 5… depending on who you ask.